Disclaimer: THESE QUOTES ARE NOT REAL. THIS IS A HUMOR BLOG. DON’T TAKE WHAT I SAY TOO SERIOUSLY. DON’T SUE ME.
While the inability of Rupp and Solinsky to finish races has both shocked and pissed off fans across the nation this summer, it is now evident from recent tests at the Nike lab that they are both suffering from a new and rare disorder. American Born Distance Runner Syndrome (ABDRS).
Rupp- “It’s really great to finally have a diagnosis. It’s been a real struggle to complete big races this summer but little did I know it was just because I was born in the US! I thought it was that silly pollen!”
Both athletes were sent to the lab after their absolute failure at the recent Diamond League 5000m race in Monaco. At first the falls of both athletes were blamed on Ethiopian runner Imane Merga. But after
using common sense analyzing the video, it was evident that a 100 pound Ethiopian knocking 200 pound Chris Solinsky off the track was highly unlikely.
The lab tests revealed that the source of the problems of the two runners stemmed from the fact that they were both born here in the US.
Solinsky- “You know, I don’t know how I didn’t realize I had this disorder earlier. Lagat and Farah have been making us look like little sissies all year but they both have something in common: Neither was born in the country that they currently represent. Plus that Manzano guy is from Mexico right?”
It’s true. Bernard Lagat, the current hope for an American distance medal at the upcoming WC’s was born in Kenya. Mo Farah, the UK’s most recent running phenom was born in Somalia.
Rupp (and Farah’s) coach Alberto Salazar is not worried, however.
Salazar- “White people can win races, I’m sure of it. Remember that time I won Boston? We just need to develop better technology than Kenya and Ethiopia. I’m currently researching skin-dye pigment and I’ve been meeting with James Cameron to see if gene transplanting is possible. Remember that time I won Boston? That was cool huh?”
Both Schumacher (Solinsky’s coach) and Salazar have started a new training regimen that really focuses on crossing the finish line.
Schumacher- “I guess it’s one thing you don’t really think about when training. Kenyans and Ethiopians just know how to cross the line, it’s part of their genetics. For these American-Born runners it’s just a little more difficult. At the end of every workout I’ve been painting a little white line at the finish for Chris to cross. The first few times he (Solinsky) dropped out of the workout about 800m early and yelled at me that he was pushed. When I told him ‘Chris, you’re the only one out here’ he teared up and said ‘I know..’. After admitting to the problem, he’s finishing most of the workouts I give him now. It’s a real step forward.”
Rupp has been noticing improvements as well.
“It was really starting to effect many other aspects of my life, you know, not finishing. I starting cooking breakfast the other day, two eggs over easy, and halfway through I just kind of walked away. Had Salazar not stayed the night nobody would have been there to smell the smoke and prevent my house from burning down. And things have been really tough with the wife lately..it was hard enough to get a wife, and this whole not finishing thing is taking a toll. Since the new pills Alberto has been making me take along with practicing not falling I’ve been able to ‘finish’. I’m looking forward to WC’s. As long as the pollen-count is nice maybe I’ll finish. Maybe.”
With a month until the WC’s in Daegu, both athletes have plenty of time to work on the downfalls of being an American-Born distance runner. If they use their time wisely, maybe we’ll see some successful performances there. If not, we still have Lagat.